Chain E-mails

[Asuka Was Here]

Apparently, I married a monkey because I can. Could. That thing needs grammatical assistance.

That's so Arbol, y'know?

Anyway, here's one I got today:

*REAL FRIEND TEST!*

This is GOOD...I expect it back too!

A *simple* friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A *real* friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
(read as Redheaded Being opens up my fridge and starts chucking moldy stuff in the trash can while looking for lunch)

A *simple *friend has never seen you cry.
A *real* friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A *simple* friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A *real* friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A *simple* friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A *real *friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you
clean.

A *simple* friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A *real* friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A *simple* friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A
*real*friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A *simple* friend wonders about your romantic history. A *real* friend could
blackmail you with it.

A *simple* friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A *real* friend calls you after you had a fight.

A *simple* friend expects you to always be there for them.
A *real* friend expects to always be there for you!

A *simple* friend reads this e-mail and deletes it.
A *real* friend passes it on and sends it back to you!

Pass this on to anyone you care about.......if you get it back you have no
beginning, no end. It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a
friend to you.....

INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO AT
LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU.

[Vulpes]

Hey, somebody's got to chuck the moldy food in the bin, and I, being as neat as I am, seem to fit that job description very well.

I stole this one from Carly on myspace:

WHEN A GIRL:

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking, she wants you to hold her hand.

When she wants a hug, she will just stand there.

When you break a girl's heart, she still feels it when you run into each other 3 years later.

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you," no one in this world can miss you more than that.

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup, she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever.

WHEN A GUY:

When a guy calls you, he wants to be with you.

When a guy is quiet, he's listening to you.

When a guy is not arguing, he realizes he's wrong.

When a guy says, "I'm fine," after a few minutes, he means it.

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do.

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world.

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love.

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, he means it.

When a guy says he can't live without you, he's with you `till you're done.

When a guy says, "I miss you," he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else.


The hopeless romantic part of me thought that this was rather sweet, and at least partially true. +^_^+

[Vulpes]

This one was stolen from myspace:

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8


And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

[compilingautumn]

that last chain mail looked like something out of a Chicken Soup for the (insert whatever here)'s Soul book. hahahah

[Haru]

I agree with billy. lol. it's amazing how kids interpret love. lol. XD

[Asuka Was Here]

I've seen the little kid concepts of love before. Makes me think of <i>Mr. President, Why Don't You Paint Your White House Another Color?</i> Only not quite as funny.

I know, I'm such a political humor junkie -.-'

So here's another chain mail:

Subject: Teaching Math


Last week I purchased a burger and fries for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s.

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

[Haru]

I feel a bit bad that some people don't know math like we know it today. Maybe math problems will continue to grow in the future, and we'll be the people who know not what to do.

Asuka did she really start crying? Man, who taught her math?!

[Vulpes]

You're right, it does.

Haru. It's a chain mail. The entire incident may not have even happened, and if it did, Asuka was certainly not involved! Asuka's only 17, and that chain mail said the person had been teaching math since the 1950's. I don't expect you to figure the rest of that out on your own, but that means that Asuka would have to have been born in the 1920's, which she most certainly was not. In short, you're a moron.

[Vulpes]

Another, this one e-mailed to me by Julianne in the spirit of Thanksgiving (not that I have any holiday spirit):

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Vulpes]

Stolen from Sath on LJ:

Key:
A: Addicted to sex.
B: Likes people.
C: Is wild and crazy.
D: Has one of the best personalities ever.
E: Is a damn good kisser.
F: People adore you.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Has a very good personality and looks.
I: Is always there for friends.
J: Lives life for fun.
K: A big tease.
L: Loved by everyone.
M: Makes dating fun.
N: Best in bed.
O: Dead sexy.
P: Popular with all types of people.
Q: A hypocrite.
R: Likes to flirt.
S: Easy to fall in love with.
T: Crazy/hyper.
U: Really likes to chill.
V: Not judgemental.
W: Very broad minded.
X: Never let people tell you what to do.
Y: Really good boy/girlfriend.
Z: Always ready.


I'm going to do my last name as well, just for fun!
J: Lives life for fun.
A: Addicted to sex.
N: Best in bed.
I: Is always there for friends.
S: Easy to fall in love with.

I: Is always there for friends.
A: Addicted to sex.
C: Is wild and crazy.
O: Dead sexy.
V: Not judgemental.
E: Is a damn good kisser.
L: Loved by everyone.
L: Loved by everyone.
I: Is always there for friends.


V: Not judgemental.
U: Really likes to chill.
L: Loved by everyone.
P: Popular with all types of people.
E: Is a damn good kisser.
S: Easy to fall in love with.

Because I waste so much time doing nothing intelligent and have a great time of it... +^.^+

[Haru]

Here's mine:

B: likes people
R: likes to flirt
I: is always there for friends
T: Crazy/hyper
T: Crazy/hyper
A: addicted to sex
N: Best in bed
Y: Really good girlfriend

W: very broad minded:
I: is always there for friends
L: loved by everyone
L: loved by everyone
I: is always there for friends
A: addicted to sex
M: makes dating fun
S: easy to fall in love with

H: has good personality and looks
A: addicted to sex
R: likes to flirt
U: really like to chill

I like these types of e-mails! ^.^ +

[compilingautumn]

I HATE THOSE NAME ONES!

why don't they have any letters have bad things like "has a tendency to backstab", "talks shit about their friends", "attractive but dumb as a brick"

it would make these lists way funnier.

[Vulpes]

Because less people would spread them around if they were insulting; compliments are generally more well-recieved than insults.
Write one that's full of insults! It'd be more fun, and especially amusing if they ended up being true.

[Haru]

Try it. I problably won't do it. ^_^

[Asuka Was Here]

A: Addicted to sex.
S: easy to fall in love with
U: really like to chill
K: A big tease.
A: Addicted to sex.

LIES. 'cept maybe U.

ooble.

[Vulpes]

THIS SHOULD BE PRINTED ON THE WALLS OF ALL SCHOOLS, STARTING IN ELEMENTARY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[Vulpes]

From Kia's LJ:

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Nevermind men trying that, I want to!

[Haru]

wow. that's cool.

[Vulpes]

+-.-+' That's kind of the point of this thread.

[Vulpes]

I got this one from Megan on myspace.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, ""Code 3' in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream: "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! '


Just tell me honestly that some of those things wouldn't be blood hilarious.